Turkey and Target

Before I met Ryan I hadn't A CLUE about Black Friday (BF). I thought it was a nickname for the day after Thanksgiving where nothing really happened because everyone was pretty much comatose, or a new nickname for a day that all the banks were closed (are they?), or some religious holiday to mourn the loss of all the turkeys. I seriously had no idea about the realness of this day. 

Ryan is obsessed with going to Target and Walmart on Black Friday, and since BF essentially began on Thanksgiving this year, we made our way through the trenches. It's one thing to go to a MALL on BF where there is a ton of space, and a million little stores, entrances, and exits; but it takes a whole other level of strength and bravery to attempt stores like Target and Walmart, which basically become a giant prison of DEALSDEALSDEALS with only one way in and one way out. #FireHazard.  

My experience this year was amazing, painful, and most certainly scarring, all at the same time. A day like this does not deserve to go unnoticed. Thus, here are the top 5 things I learned from Black Friday:

5.  People are ANIMALS. Perfectly innocent looking human beings will RUN YOU OVER, marathon style, just to get a $2.99 pair of panties out of a dirty plastic bin. No Tea, No Shade, I grabbed 5 pairs of lace thongs myself out of that same bin, but I waited my turn and didn't trample over anyone. I have CLASS. 

4.  People are ADDICTED to deals. I saw one guy at Walmart dragging two carts stuffed full of TVs. I am not exaggerating when I say he purchased at least 8 televisions. What does one person do with 8 televisions??? The people in front of us purchased FIVE iPads, and I swear other people just bought things they didn't even want or remotely need because they were on sale. I think they were pumping something into the air vents in those store because I even ended buying tupperware, socks, undies, and a sweater. All for under $20.

See sale. Must buy. 

 OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

3. What happens at Black Friday stays at Black Friday. At one point I got separated from Ryan and was hiding in the stroller aisle singing Taylor Swift to calm myself down when I LOCKED EYES with one woman who was so clearly and intentionally picking her nose and she didn't even stop. She just kept staring at me as if I was the one doing something crazy, while SHE was digging for gold. Never in my life! I saw one little boy rolling around on the floor completely unattended, while his parents were probably off buying televisions. This kid knocked over an entire display of DVDs and looked around to see if anyone noticed. When he eventually saw me watching him, he swatted the rest of the DVDs to the ground, laughed, and ran away. His mom was probably the nose picker.

Gross. 

2. It's very easy to cut the line. The people who design the BF layouts must be on drugs when they do this because I have never seen a more confusing set up. No wonder people are running around like maniacs angry the entire time. They can't find their way to the register because the yellow tape has them all twisted around and they have been walking in circles for hours! Ryan and I accidentally, truly skipped all that mess and somehow ended up at the front registers and the Walmart security guys realized it would be too cruel to make us try to find the back of the line, so they just let us through. My new rule in painfully confusing situations like that: just march to the front and then put on my best Paris Hilton impression. 

Oh? Am I at the front of the line in this wall store? Whoops! 

1. If you don't find anything good on BF, there's always this really incredible thing called Cyber Monday where you get to take advantage of all the BF deals ONLINE so you don't have to deal with the hot mess described above. 

Until next year!

 

**PMS is a silly, sarcastic, yet honest blog about life as a newlywed by Brittany Geiger**

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